Because it's summer and there's many social activities, I've been thinking a lot lately about friends and friendship. I've been thinking about why some people are our friends, how being friends mean different things to us at different points of our lives, and how to be a good friend to someone.
When I was a kid and teenager my friends were mostly just other kids and teenagers around the neighborhood. If you had to ride your bike too far to get together, it just wasn't worth it. Looking back on those friendships I realize I was kind of a jerk to some of my friends, especially my best friend. But kids and teenagers don't seem to have the ability yet to understand what it takes to be a good friend. I see it in my two teenagers all the time. They're very judgmental and don't cut anybody slack. I wince when I hear them talk about their friends sometimes. I want to scream at them, "Give them a break, they're only fifteen years old!!" Of course, I didn't cut anybody slack when I was a teenager. The downside to that behavior is that this pattern of mean-and-nice isn't tolerated forever. I've tried reconnecting many times over FB with my former best friend, but she never gives me anything more than a polite, curt response. Much to my regret, we're not going to be friends as adults.
When I got married and was a "couple" then of course you want other "couple" friends. When all four get along it's a lot of fun, but it usually seems like there's at least one person in the group that somebody else doesn't like. I've had girlfriends that I liked a lot, but then didn't like her significant other, although she liked my significant other and blah...blah...blah. You can see how this becomes more trouble than it's worth.
This couple friendship thing gets to be such a hassle that you're almost happy to have kids so you can segue into parenting friendship. I have to admit, I was terrible at this. I was kind of an unconventional mom. First of all, I worked full time while my husband worked part time and mostly took care of the kids so I wasn't a stay-at-home mom and didn't fit into that realm of friends. And at that stage of my life, although I had a job, I was much more interested in being a mom and the job was just for the paycheck so I didn't have "career" friends. Also, I never believed in shuttling kids to a bunch of activities, and my kids didn't want to do a bunch of activities either, so I didn't have any moms from scouting or baseball teams.
Reading this blog you might get the idea that I don't have many friends, but I actually do. I'm a big believer in friendship so I'm willing to be friends with just about anybody who wants to be friends with me. When I was about 34, two of my closest friends were an 18-year-old girl who I was in school with, and an 89-year-old woman who lived down the street. Today, one of my best friends is a 70-year-old man that I do a ton of outdoor activities with.
Following are some tips about being a good friend and cultivating friendship. Be a listener. People don't always want or need your advice, and don't make the conversation about you or your problem. Just listen. If someone is your friend, throw them a "Like" on some comment they made on FB. Send them a text once in awhile. Laugh at their jokes. Give them a compliment. Smile when you see them. Pay for something for them when you're out. Make plans with them.
I've also learned what doesn't make for successful friendships. Maybe I'm going back to when I was a kid, but it really helps if you live near your friends. It just makes it easier to get together if you don't have to drive for 30 minutes to get to their house. Also, I have something called the Friendship Attempt Standard. The FAS is simply that if I've attempted three times to get together with you, you've turned me down all three times, and made no attempt for us to get together yourself, we're not going to be friends. We can try again later, but not right now.
Finally, I want to introduce you to "friendship tiers". Friendship tiers are the level of friends that you are with someone, and what that level of friendship entitles you to in the friendship. For example, a Tier One Friend is like your best friend that you would do stuff with all the time if you could. You can ask a Tier One Friend to help you move or pick you up at the airport. A Tire Two Friend is someone that maybe is a former Tier One Friend that had a kid or married someone you don't like so you don't see them as often. You would no longer ask that person to do a big favor for you, but you may see them every couple of weeks for lunch, you're happy to see them, and you always wish you could see them more if it wasn't for that jerk of a husband they had.
A Tier Three Friend is someone who usually always stays a Tier Three Friend. They never seem to move up and down the tiers. They're like a cousin or friend of your Tier One Friend. You enjoy their company when you see them, you see them pretty regularly through your Tier One Friend, but you don't ever get together independently with them. A Tier Four Friend is a situational friend. They're maybe someone you went to college with who now lives in your neighborhood and your kids play together so you see them in that context. Or maybe they're someone you work with and occasionally go out to lunch with when you have a two-for-one coupon. Tier Four Friends can move up the tiers quickly, if conditions are right.
I want to wish you a very pleasant and enjoyable summer, and I hope you are enjoying your friends, no matter what tier they're in.
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